The Realm of Contentment

have you ever felt as if you were screaming at the top of your lungs only to find out that no one is listening...



Like you are near a brink of some sorts...and you dont know what is beyond the barrier all you know is that once you pass it there is no return......











It seems like all these situations and decisions are bomarding you at once and none of the solutions fit into a possible realm of contentment....










In hard times every little annoyance can seem like a personal attack....























What does it mean to be content.......













is it simple a state of sans souci(no worries)









Does it mean having all that you desire?





knowing that everything is perfect?





or is it more complicated than that...........













I'm starting to believe that being happy isnt about having all that you want in a perfect world...



It's about having what you need , knowing what you want( not in a sense of material things)... realizing that nothing is perfect, and being ok with it.






______________________________________________________________________


Sometimes I push.....



And I do this because I want others to be happy. I go out of my way for people to help them find peace of mind((a.k.a happiness))




and it almost always backfires.....
this happens because......






1.) Maybe in order for people to find happiness they need to do so on their own terms which is most likely alone.


2.) Its difficult to guide someone to happiness when you, yourself are despondent.





But this becomes a problem when my very being is pulling me in a certain direction even though
I'm trying to change.









I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM THE WAY I AM......





I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY I FEEL THE THINGS THAT I FEEL.



all I know is that I feel them so they are real and thats all that matters.






that all sounds really good until you realize that no one else will ever possibly feel what you feel.


this is the point when sentiments become invalid....






almost as if your feelings are only in place to distract and evade you.
clouding your judgement. feelings are like illusions.






And as soon as you can learn to stop being so sensitive and to stop thinking of every little obstale so subjectively then maybe you ca truly be happy.

ABOVE ALL THINGSSSSSSSS((realizations))

in a sense of significance........







just smalll............













there is something about wanted something so bad and then finally having it that not as fulfilling as the want itself....












like pining for something over a longggggggg period of time surpasses the pleasure of actually having it....Vague as always but there is no need for a back ground just thinking.....







now i have no idea why this translates into guilt but the feeling is identical...







when you want something bad enough...and for a long enough period of time.....and you dont get it....


its like the desire drives you ....

pushes past barriers and that is what obession is...

a deep desire to reach an ultimate goal...

so you would think that.... when one ultimately reaches said goal that he/she would be satisfied right????




well sadly enough that is never the case...when you have a fascination with something for a prolonged period of time ,,,,
you put it on sort of a pedestal..
to the point where nothing or anyone will ever be able to match the value of your obsession.
((in other words you imagine it to be perfect.lol))

so there may be two reasons for not being satisfied......


1.) When you finally get what you think you wanted and its not perfet you are disappointed.

AND/OR

2.) Lacking that sort of energized lust puts an emptiness somewhere inside you you that makes you feel idle.. and eventually nothing will satisfy you.





Whichever the reason i am starting to think that it is best ot to expect anything at all....
from anything or anyone.....


Ofcourse there is going to be curiousity.....
that comes when dealing with anything that you are unfamiliar with....




But in regard to something that you are yearning for it is best to just apprehend or pressume nothing....



Because in the end you are just anticipating a deep plunge into guilt.
so its just better if you dont.






To obsess over anything is wrong.





its ok to have things that you like but to consume your mind/time/space with thoughts or objects that are made of obsession is kind of sick....and always leaves you unsatisfied......





Its normal for people to have hobbies.....
things that they go out of their way to do..because they like it..
when you go out of your way for someone its beause you have a truly selfless love for them...and thats ok too...



Until it comes to a point where every single thing you do, every feeling that you have is at the beck and call of someone elses emotions or mood.


Parsimoniously doing for yourself is normal...although its really hard for me.
because its something literally never do.





I have no drive .....
my only ambition is happiness....





and having happiness as a longtime goal is different from happiness that you get from material things....



the problem is that noone knows what is going to truly make them happy if they dont know what happiness is...








<3