And UMMMM......yea.

So its been a minute right..





so I figured I would catch you up....






Thursday I moved back to Tennessee....


I was so like beyond excited dudee.



seriously it can be boring at times but its like ma home away from home.lol

I managed to get ma job to transfer here....



so that's awesome.


been so gone since I been here so that might explain ma sudden illness...lol


have to let the reefer rest for awhile.
...............................................



lol
that's all folks.





peace homie!

I told myself "I won't miss you" but I remember....what it feels like beside you.

Gah......







Might make an exception in FTW mode........






He makes me so happy.......






Can't even Stay mad at him.....
just a smile/laugh/kiss
and it all flys out the window.....



SPRUNG IN SPRING....
that's hot....I guess.





Not usually for giving second chances.....but he is trying..




And I like......






so nervous about the move....



crazy....




a year later and still in the same state/bad situation I was in then......





that's life..






they call her love love love loveeee.....






maintaining positivity in the midst of chaos is not an easy task.....
but somebodys gotta do it....
just don't shoot me down....
I need ta fly for a little bit.




*mind made up*
lets go for round three...
*sigh*




addicted


its O-fishh.


well stay tuned to see what happens.





peace homiee
<333333

I told myself "I won't miss you" but I remember....what it feels like beside you.

Memories, Like the corners of my mind Misty water-colored memories..........

Memories,
Like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? could we?
Memories, may be beautiful and yet
Whats too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So its the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were..........







oh so true.....



I cried listening to this song...idk if it was the lyrics or her amazing voice...or combination of the two...





"What too painful to remember....We simply choose to forget"





Damn like the way we were.....




idk if that can ever be the case homie....






no background today just dreaming is all....




lovee this song. have always loved this song....since Broadway (I fucks with Barbara Streisand)



but it has just taken on a new meaning.....



Memories,
Like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? could we?
Memories, may be beautiful and yet
Whats too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So its the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were...

the hellish day that I have had.....




and you are still on ma mind.....



................................................

today I made a tough choice that is probally gonna change everthanq....
but that's another blog....im kinda killing the feel of this one..... TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!

Hi! My Name is Ashleigh.....And......... I Have a Problem.....(runs out leaving a river of tears following her)

Obsessed*




Addicted......





These are all such powerful scary words....






I enjoy it is all..........





I get a rush.....





Wanna feel liberated is all........




idk what it is.........





people tried to warn me......

they said after your first time you were just gonna keep on going back for more......






I told them I had more control than most.....


thought I could control my urges....but I can't!


What can I say?
A girl has needs.


its something about walking into to that room....




with you(whomever I please at the time....in the past random guys and maybe a girl or two.)sitting and waiting.....



taking off my clothes.....






laying wherever you want me to.... or standing/sitting ; )




Then I hear the vibration and feel you pierce me.....



A potent aroma fills the room




and I think to myself
*sigh* "fresh ink"


lol




(pervs what were you expecting)



that's right folks its time for my next tattoo...
I have been obsessing and I am beyond excited....maybe a nother piercing too but idk where yet.



I know I want both my wrist done ....and my lower back(yea that right a "tramp stamp" , "bullseye" , "handlebars") what ever you wanna call them idc...




its gonna be dope....and soon!!!!!!!!



be looking out...




peace homie......




oh and you can pick you jaw up off the floorr now.lol




besitos.
muah!

Hi! My Name is Ashleigh.....And......... I Have a Problem.....(runs out leaving a river of tears following her)

Hates the sound that Goodbyes make. Swears that there no difference between the lies..and compliments..its all the same if everybody leaves her.......

When I was a little girl I didn't understand why my mom treated me the way she did.....Why she yelled....broke my spirit...was never proud....





but after all these years I am begining to realize why.





Obviously she is hurt.....an broken person...and I don't say this in a mean sense. But now I realize that she is hurting .I want so badly to know her pain but I guess its hard for her to talk to me....




I'm not the perfect daughter....hell the only thing I am is a perfect example of an imperfect being. but that's okay. However sometimes I wish I could be perfect for her.....Everything that she wanted...
But I have learned that I am everything she never wanted...





now I know that seems harsh...and no im not loathing myself.....just stating facts....




* A Lil' Background*

Me and my mother have never gotten along.PERIOD
And this past year when I was seventeen she put me out and I started living on ma own.... it was extremely scary for me .....and the fact that she gave up on me litterally broke my heart...I had always had faith in our relationship that it would get better .. But reality set in fast when she cut me off completely.... this was all during my junior year in high school and I was depressed all the time! my teachers didn't know what was going on but they knew something was off....because I never smiled or laughed like I used to...I just had this permanent vacant look on my face....As you can imagine my grades began to suffer.....so I made the hardest decision I have ever had to make.....
I DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL.
crazy I know... but I couldn't let my grades suffer so I just one day took the GED and passed(better than passed don't mean to brag but I got a damn near perfect score) after that I moved to New Orleans and started my new lifee.... And never looked back.*


* End of Background*
(Damn that was long.lol)



Never looked back until today that is..... I found out that I am adopted...Not in the traditional sense...







When my mom was pregnant with me she didn't tell anyone....She just packed her shitt and moved to California.
Worked and Hid her pregnacy.
Planned to give her child( yours truly) up for adoption and never tell anyone of it because (I believe) she was embarrassed about it.(ma family is extremely old fashioned) However what she didn't know whas that ma aunt and uncle in Cali were looking to adopt a little girl. So they adopted me....but when they found out that I already had the same last name they began to investigate it..... to make a long story short..They found out it was my mom and then once my mother knew that our family found out she decided that she "might as well " take her daughter back.







Im not mad about the situation...Or sad.
I just wish I had known that growing up....I mean how would you feel if everytime you looked at your daughters face you saw all the mistakes and things you always wanted to forget in her eyes....




In fact I wish she would've told me....that and any other pain she may have suffered in her life.....


I don't hate her....






I want her to feel free. Free of judgement. Free of guilt. Because even though pain helps you understand.... I don't want her to feel anymore...she has been through enough...
And even though I may cry......my tears are never my own...they are always going to be hers.





love you momma.








peace homie
<33333333

For A Pessimist .......Im Pretty Optimistic!

my brain is scattered once again....





but one theme/thought that is reoccuring and clear as day is GETTING THE FUCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!




im not even gonna talk about the hell I have been through this week all I am gonna say is that I have experienced the ultimate betrayal and words cannot express how maimed my heart is....





* a lil background*
MY FAMILY BLOWS /.......HARD!
(not everyone one individually..... but as a whole as far as relations go...and certain individuals)



*THE END OF BACKGROUND*







im not gonna go into details because I don't wanna get myself riled up again....
but idk how I got to this point.






the old me didn't give two fucks....about anything....her attitude....peoples feelings....her temper...how people perceived her nada....
so I was a bitch to everybody....but nobody fucked with me...


all I cared about was me....and what made me happy.....fuck everything/body else....







however because of my temper I decided to change ma ways.....not completely....just what I perceived to be negative points in ma personality.


now it seems like everybody is getting all swole and shitt....and its getting harder and harder for me to to bite ma tongue and just walk away......



and I realized that when I did this for what seemed to be the betterment of my person....but in all actuality...
I lost maself....


and it makes me sad.....
for the most part.




but I also realized that if this bothered me then all hope wasn't lost......



I know now that people aren't supposed to change....and never really do....instincts are still the same....so if if you aspire to change then you aspire to be a poser....
in my opinion people don't change period.....
im still a bitch...I just know how to control it....idkk I know this sounds cynical as hell....





but think about it.....
what makes you who you are when it comes down to it....


D.N.A




that shit is embedded in you....
you can change that shitt.
its in you genes...like im gonna change....



its not like you can rwach in your d.n.a and change that shitt....lol



idk I mean even me just reading that sounds sooo bad....but wtf you gonna do its me......


this aint over imma finish this tomorrow bruh...





peace homie.

<333333.

Its Wifey ova bitches.but Moneys over her!Cuz Moneys unda Nothin.Ma Life is such a Blur.Its not the way it has to be its just wat I prefer ...........

"AND ANY YOUNG MONEY NIGGA I KNOW WOULD CONCUR!.....weezy talk to em"


Don't you just love that man...

*sigh*

Hello there I know you are probally wondering what im going on about..... Well here is the thing.
What Women Never Seem to Learn......







A Man has 4 different types of Females.... Wifey, Boo, Bitches,Ho..s. Wifey is irreplaceable-----but she is the only one that is irreplaceable.. She is the girl that the guy loves and will always loves, and he never wants to see her with another man.. But.. He will cheat on her with Boo, Bitches, Ho..s until he is mature enough to realize that if he loses Wifey he would be screwed, and NEVER be happy again. Boo---- is replaceable, she *thinks* she..s Wifey, but will NEVER be Wifey because Wifey was made Wifey is irreplaceable..she can NEVER replace her.. Boo tries to take Wifeys spot, but once she attempts, the guy allows her to get a TASTE of Wifey..s spot... but will NEVER achieve her spot for any longer than a few months, then the man goes back to Wifey.. And Boo either gets replaced with another Boo, or, the man matures and decides that Wifey is the one for him.. Ladies.. you don..t want to be BOO!!! Bitches----- A female that a male uses only for sex or other sexually related events..Dat call when Wifey acting up and you need a quick nut. The bitch is the first one running there. Ho..s---- enough said! Trying to move up in life, Wants to be a Bitch or a Boo. Hoes are just the girls you bag for no reason and have them in your phone. Backups incase a bitch or a boo slips up. Then you replace with a hoe......






ofcourse I don't agree with this type of cycle.....but what are you gonna do.




oh and for you guys who I have angered by this blog...obviously you weren't the typical male that I was refering to....or maybe you are and wifey just has you soooooo spung to the point of a distinct state of denial....








either way......








peace homie.
<33333

In the Night I Hear Em Talk....The Coldest Storie Ever Told!!!!!

Somewhere far along this road she lost her soul!!!!!!






Well maybe not lost ma soul...




I don't think I will ever let it get that outta control but.....




its most definitely getting put on hold....






that's right folks......




FTW(( Fuck the World )) mode is now in full effect...





From now on im gonna be as selfish as they come..(gonna try at least)





for the next year and a half you won't hear the words Ashleigh/Mari and Relationship in the same sentence...unless the word NOTTT is jammed up somewhere in the middle..





No background today...just done is all...


so hopefully this will breed zero boy drama but idk...



im focusing on me and the positive advancement of A.C.M.S.B(( yes I did just hit you with the Government.)but not really .lol




all distractions besides close friends will be ignored until the point of elimination.




and no this isn't because I wanna be a cold piece of work(( not in the obvious sense...lol)) or a Heartless bitch...





its in fact because I love ma heart and I don't want anyone to alter the state that its in..or was in...



which was open....wide open....no judgement. only love flowing freely(( even though I never showed it through emotion))




However recent renovations have taken place....



Bullshit filter...in the form of a forest of throrns......


and Draw bridge which only I have control of where certain people can be let in(( yes its v.I.p. bitches....and just how you can get let in...I can throw ya ass out....))



and last but certainly not least is a Moat.....
complete with aligators, perannas, unicorns all that ishh.
these beauties will devour all emotion that tries to get in or out during the said FTW mode.





and again this isn't because I wanna be a bitch....



its stricly business.





Self Preservation over all...
yessir.






well I believe I covered all the bases...



Smurffin Homie.

Life's Realizationz...........Amplified!!!!!

My favorite quote in the history of quotes is this....


"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding...It is the physcian within you that heals your sick self...So trust your physcian.. and drink his remedies is silence and tranquility."






Pain?


a Good thing you say?



well im not crazy but even though it hurts..(duh its pain)


it helps you learn.

Alanis Morrisette it was who said...
"You live you learn.you love you learn...you cry you learn... you loo000ooose you learn...."(and yess I did just hit that note)




so we all complain about something that conributes to the advancement of our person...crazzy.
its instinctual.and fascinating.(at least to me).


Pain being portrayed as the breaking shell that encloses your understanding is beyond profound.....until the shell is broken you can't understand....God onli knows what's in that shell..Hell it could be the meaning of life itself. Some people numb themselves...bottle it in if you will....and I for 1 am that person. I ignore and hide emotion every chance its comes around....and I may be reaching..but anyone who then ignores emotion and blocks pain is dwelling in their own ignorance...




and even though they say ignorance is bliss....its just plain old ignorance.....



we are human not robots...(most of us anyways.)


so please do as the man said ....




"Trust your physician... and drink his remedies in silence and tranquility"


§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§


peace ma dudez!!!!!!


lmao
(that was for you santo)

I was a dreamer before you ever let me down....now its too late for you and your white horse.... to come around.

I feel like ma brain has been reduced to bowl ramen noodles......




Ishh is crazy......




I have this crazy feeling in my gut that I have to let go....






* A Lil' Background*



I am MADLY in lovee with a certain young man.
I have known him since I was 14. he has been my bestfriend/significant other for the past 3 1/2 yearss.
however now he lives in Maryland and is way too far away from me....we don't seem to talk for weeks at a time....and I find myself(As he so lovingly pointed out lastnight...) slowly detaching maself from the situation.




*** The End of Background***






*Sigh*
so idk what to do....
I feel stuck....I just don't feel like throwing our time away...
but on the other hand I have a lot going on ma self and don't have time to play wifey 24/7 from hundreds of miles away.


Somethings gotta give...and its gotta happen quick.







*Sigh*
well I gotta go ttfn.

oh and Santo...


imma kill you seriously...


peace homie


<33

Tripping out thinking there must be more to life...well there's life but im sure.....there's gotta more!

Purpose.......




Okay First and foremost....I thank God for everything that I am and that I have including mi life.




Most people never think about death until they are either surrounded by ....or faced with it....



And when either of these instances occurs the thoughts that usually follow them are of.....
(at least for me.)


Life lived.......


Rememberence.......


Pain......


Regret......


Forgiveness.....


those left behind......

and last but most certainly not least is appreciation.



See when you are faced with nothing but loss.....you should learn to appreciate the smallest things in life...and death...

idkk too much...im buggin.


peace homie.

A Brick of me is equivalent to 50g's broken down and sold around your inner city streets....WOW

I am the biggest procrastinator on the face of the planet earth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





i have yet to make steps toward finalizing plans of moving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Now its time for me to go.....
And im having second thoughts....Why do I always do this shitt.....Gah!!!



*** A Lil' Background ***


So even though the mere thought of being around her stresses me out to absolutely no end......
I have decided ( I think) to move back to tennessee......
Where I will go to school, and work. However, I believe Shawn Lynne.(my caring egg donor) is hell bent on torturing me. And on the other hand I reallllllyyyyyy miss New Orleans...but whenever I am there nothing positive ever comes of it.
**** The End of Background***



So you see its very hard for me to make a decision about this.......
So I asked my best fucking friend for lifee mohammed for some advice and he said this.....And I quote(lol)
"You know homie fuck everybody.....you just gotta get a scale and weight that shit out....you feel me Bazile? Whatever you do don't listen to your heart.....fuck your heart.... only listen to your mind...And you just do whatever the fuck that scale tell you to okay homie" (lmao)

so I looked around the house and couldn't find a scale.....then I thought " this nigga is crazy....how the hell am I gonna weigh thoughts?!?!"
so hear we are......




Tennessee's positives- School. Job. Apartment. Car. Good friends who I miss dearly. My Sister. Spongebob the kitty. Mi Serrana. Dance Class. Tennis and ppl to play with!!!!. Cupcake. Money.
the mountains =)...oh and FREE TUITION.
___________________________
Tennessee's negatives- Bad memories. Egg donor. its Tennessee and can be quite boring sometimes.Egg Donor
___________________________
New Orleans' positives - ITS NEW ORLEANS!!!! Gran + Great gran parents = <3 along with the rest of my family. funn. good food...(lol this is super silly and slightly obese) Friends who I miss dearly. its home.

___________________________

New Orleans' negatives- Not enough money for to start school soon enough there =(
which equals being a bum a partying 24/7. No job right away so no money. which means no car. RTA!!! no apartment. and too many distractions.
___________________________

Well I think its obvious what my decision is....
Yup that's right im headed to Tennessee...I just gonna have to suck it up and do what needs to be done...Success is key and failure is not an option so imma have to go with my BFFFL Mo and dive into FTW mode(( Fuck The World mode that is)) for these next two years.. Because I have to stop letting my emotions cloud my sense...



well thanks for that release!
it was great for me how was it for you? We should get together and do this again sometime.....






*Knock Knock*

WHO's THERE?????



You!






Reading an awesome blog!


lol



peace homie!


<3

Life's Realizationz.......Simplified!

*SIGH*



I know that its been a minute since I've updated last....but a lot of stuff has come up since then....so you know....what are you gonna do?.lol




So this entry(for the most part) is my lame attempt to catch you up on the events that have occured up until this point....



Okay. So You Ready? Here we go.....



I haven't talked to my mother in awhile.... and I haven't quite figured out if this is a good or bad thing...But for now Im just gonna sit back and enjoy the silence.... because Im willing to bet everything that it's not gonna last.....I know this may seem horrible from your stand point but trust and believe that while I do lovee my mother she still brings out the worst in me.. (hate to say it...but its true)



okay enough of me and my "mami" issues...lol


I have been pretty sick lately. idk why or how it happened but it did........ so whatevs.


Oh and but ofcourse....what would my life be minus the boy drama.....
nonexistent.....
because boy drama seems to follow me like little obese children to a fucking ice cream truck! ugh.


Haven't talked to the "boyfriend" in a couple of weeks.....yea not a typo....I just said a couple of week!
I know I say I like my space but DAMNN! how do you not call me in two weeks? lol that definitely warrants a cuss out... but what can I say I love him. and I know he is busy with school and work but damnn....I'm just glad its coming up on spring break. so that we can finally see eachother...lol
(if you are reading this <3 ya babyy muah(( me and my shoutoutz= ghetto)) ha



but what fun would boy drama be without the crazy jealous ex who you never really get over. really?


(( btw I know it soundz like I lovee this ishh but it actually pisses me off majorly.... however its unavoidable so what are you gonna do?))



So where was I ????


oh yea my ex ....


*** A Lil' Background****
He cheated me.... I forgave then he broke up with me...
(( I really know how to pick em' huh))



So he called and just wanted to talk...*red flag*

so I entertained him for awhile because I try to be a good person but I always end up getting screwed....because I am "too nice" to some people....
Antiways!!!!
Our normal conversation somehow escaleted in to a full out battle of the lungs(( as I like to call it))
We argued, yelled, called names and placed blame until we were out of breath.
Then after sitting in silence for what seemed like years I realized..... He is a piece of shitt!!!! Dishonest. Disrepectful. Controlling. Posessive. And just a jerk in general.. and in that moment I seemed to shake whatever hold it was that I thought he had over me....
(( ABOUT FUCKING TIME!!!!!!!))

God. I consider myself to be a pretty smart girl. So how do I make such simple mistakes???


Ay Dios Mio!!!! idk....


So after hanging up on him....I had a nice healthy- happy sob...lol

Well that about sumz up my time that I've spent away from you....



Hope it quenched your thirst.......


If it didn't then I must be doing something right....Cuz you are still reading aren't you? lol



peace homie.

<33