My Lyra,my world!

I don't know if I will get some type of credit for trying.





Recognition for trying to do what was right , even though it hurts...




But I have to think of whats best for you.




From the moment I laid eyes on you  I felt a deep unexplainable love and undying connection for you.



A feeling that drives me to protect and care for you every second since we have met.



a feeling that trumps any other feelings I have ever had for any other person.


even though i lose sleep. even though sometimes i get pooped on and there is puke in my hair, my feelings for you never change. And that is true love






But i feel so guilty because even though I know its for the better i feel as if i am robbing you of something that you deserve.



i have stayed, even though he hurt me and made me feel like nothing. even though i moved 1000+ miles just to be someones door mat and a tax exemption. Slept in a room/bed with no love....spent countless days in a cold empty house waiting for 5pm just to be ignored and unappreciated. And not matter how much i hurt each day i still went to sleep with the hope and excitement that tomorrow would be a happier day for me.





but tomorrow never came.....and it has been one whole year of waiting for tomorrow.



But now when I wake up, I have you! my world.





I no longer wait for 5pm...now i wait for you to wake up or to show me something new that you have learned.



this house is not cold anymore...it has warmed with every laugh and smile that you give to me...



We are a family. Me and you..



even though you were not initially in my plans, I could not have asked for  a more perfect sign/blessing from God.




and your love outweighs the lies, rejections, insults and bruises i have endured to give you a better life than i had....but it will all be over soon...and you will never have to see me hurt or crying again....





always remember Mami loves you, and I am going through hell and high water to give you everything you want and deserve  in life.

Even if it means i have to spend a few more years of my life being miserable. you are worth it. and always will be. there is no greater love than the love i have and feel for you! <3 br="br">

Fear Factor

when everything leaves.....




















there is nothing left but doubt....when i try to speak to you, you are angry...and when I keep it to myself it makes me wonder the worst.















I dont like feeling like this. I though i was over it but its always in the back of my mind...the only reason it stays is because you arent sorry....I stayed idk why because i never get an apology.....everything hurts .....it just feels all too fake for me...and im tired of faking.




I remember how we were...how you made me feel....It was right...i just fell like i dont know you anymore.. Drained...













i feel used. idk what is what with you anymore....













I thought you were safe.... like you were trying to help me... but i just lost myself.




ITs hard... i never wanted this for my life.....

The Realm of Contentment

have you ever felt as if you were screaming at the top of your lungs only to find out that no one is listening...



Like you are near a brink of some sorts...and you dont know what is beyond the barrier all you know is that once you pass it there is no return......











It seems like all these situations and decisions are bomarding you at once and none of the solutions fit into a possible realm of contentment....










In hard times every little annoyance can seem like a personal attack....























What does it mean to be content.......













is it simple a state of sans souci(no worries)









Does it mean having all that you desire?





knowing that everything is perfect?





or is it more complicated than that...........













I'm starting to believe that being happy isnt about having all that you want in a perfect world...



It's about having what you need , knowing what you want( not in a sense of material things)... realizing that nothing is perfect, and being ok with it.






______________________________________________________________________


Sometimes I push.....



And I do this because I want others to be happy. I go out of my way for people to help them find peace of mind((a.k.a happiness))




and it almost always backfires.....
this happens because......






1.) Maybe in order for people to find happiness they need to do so on their own terms which is most likely alone.


2.) Its difficult to guide someone to happiness when you, yourself are despondent.





But this becomes a problem when my very being is pulling me in a certain direction even though
I'm trying to change.









I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM THE WAY I AM......





I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY I FEEL THE THINGS THAT I FEEL.



all I know is that I feel them so they are real and thats all that matters.






that all sounds really good until you realize that no one else will ever possibly feel what you feel.


this is the point when sentiments become invalid....






almost as if your feelings are only in place to distract and evade you.
clouding your judgement. feelings are like illusions.






And as soon as you can learn to stop being so sensitive and to stop thinking of every little obstale so subjectively then maybe you ca truly be happy.

ABOVE ALL THINGSSSSSSSS((realizations))

in a sense of significance........







just smalll............













there is something about wanted something so bad and then finally having it that not as fulfilling as the want itself....












like pining for something over a longggggggg period of time surpasses the pleasure of actually having it....Vague as always but there is no need for a back ground just thinking.....







now i have no idea why this translates into guilt but the feeling is identical...







when you want something bad enough...and for a long enough period of time.....and you dont get it....


its like the desire drives you ....

pushes past barriers and that is what obession is...

a deep desire to reach an ultimate goal...

so you would think that.... when one ultimately reaches said goal that he/she would be satisfied right????




well sadly enough that is never the case...when you have a fascination with something for a prolonged period of time ,,,,
you put it on sort of a pedestal..
to the point where nothing or anyone will ever be able to match the value of your obsession.
((in other words you imagine it to be perfect.lol))

so there may be two reasons for not being satisfied......


1.) When you finally get what you think you wanted and its not perfet you are disappointed.

AND/OR

2.) Lacking that sort of energized lust puts an emptiness somewhere inside you you that makes you feel idle.. and eventually nothing will satisfy you.





Whichever the reason i am starting to think that it is best ot to expect anything at all....
from anything or anyone.....


Ofcourse there is going to be curiousity.....
that comes when dealing with anything that you are unfamiliar with....




But in regard to something that you are yearning for it is best to just apprehend or pressume nothing....



Because in the end you are just anticipating a deep plunge into guilt.
so its just better if you dont.






To obsess over anything is wrong.





its ok to have things that you like but to consume your mind/time/space with thoughts or objects that are made of obsession is kind of sick....and always leaves you unsatisfied......





Its normal for people to have hobbies.....
things that they go out of their way to do..because they like it..
when you go out of your way for someone its beause you have a truly selfless love for them...and thats ok too...



Until it comes to a point where every single thing you do, every feeling that you have is at the beck and call of someone elses emotions or mood.


Parsimoniously doing for yourself is normal...although its really hard for me.
because its something literally never do.





I have no drive .....
my only ambition is happiness....





and having happiness as a longtime goal is different from happiness that you get from material things....



the problem is that noone knows what is going to truly make them happy if they dont know what happiness is...








<3

accecpting responsibility

for hard times in your life is never an easy task.




and sure things may not alwas be your fault....
but not being able to realize fault whomever it might belong to is only setting yourself up to endup in that same situation ....if not worse .






"yea bad things happen to good people.... but bad things also happen to people who put themselves in situations where they know bad things happen."


- Alexis Smith, BFF


this girl is and always has been wise beyond her years....





hope for the best. but expect good. and prepare yourself for the worst.



words that i have heard many times in my 19 years.






its just so hard for me to be pessimistic about some things. extemely hard.
but i want to be able to thrive in life...not just get by.






so you dont wanna put yourself in situations where you can be victimized....
always think!
something thats hard for me....
tinking at the right times.
because you can only be rode .....if bend over ...





peace homie

My thoughts are my own...........

so I send the remedy to my 1 and only fan.lolClearing my head and sorting though my thoughts is difficult sometimes.....however I am a thinker....that's what I do...now I realize that my thoughts are only a part of the chemical makeup that makes me who the fuck I am.....but sometimes they consume me.does that make me crazy?????okay now I know that you are probally wondering where im going with this...hell im wondering where im going with this....(( because im too blown.)))but please just bare with me...because all jokes aside I need to sleep and in order to do that I have to get this shit off my mind.=)could I be brain wrestling ????maybe.could I be on to something genius??????you never knoww!so hear me out....Thoughts are the most personal thing that you have..period.They are truly your own...No one can read you mind....((that I know of))no one can take them from you..((aside from brainwashing but that's a WHOLE nother blogg.lol))So why do we feel the need to share our thoughts....do you ever think about that....The one thing that is meant for us....that noone can ever steal....why do we feel the need to tell people what we are thinking...Thoughts are special....why do you think that we feel so disrepected when someone steals an idea????lol.because they stole the closest thing to you and now you feel unoriginal in doing something that everyone else starts to do....take fads /trends for instance.....someone sees someone doing something ....thinks its dope....and starts doing it...may happen to make it famous..or infamous.. depending on the individual....and now all of a sudden people are doing it..take...for instance.hip hop.look at it in the 80's .....and look at it now.back then everyone was doing the same thing....the whole gangster rap thing...and that style of music withing the genre stuck for a moment.but now......look at the game...pants are starting to fit(( more or less.lol))every shirt you see isn't a 4x tall tee.its more fitted....skateboards are getting broken in...and guitars are coming out...you see just because some mainstream rappers decided to think for themselves.....outside the gangster box that was provided for them....the media and society.....and really something inside of you! that identifies with that artist tells you its okay....so then you do so as well...you know what im saying...meanwhile...while you are coming out and being true to your thoughts....or should I say..their thoughts....the people who from jump...don't give two fucks about what people think about them...who have , all their lives.... been dressing how they want...talking how they think...and listening to music that they can vibe to....no matter if it was "cool " or not.....are outraged.....and feel like its a slap in the face ......why is this...when we should be happy and proud that people are being a little less closed minded than they were b4 the fad....but we can't help it ...its instinctual(spell check)) because we feel like they stole what was truly ours...the closest thing to us..a thought ...an idea.so we get mad and avoid "posers"......really you would think that someone sharing an interest of yours you make an ally.but it seperates us instead and makes an enemy....crazy...because really there are no original thoughts right...I mean they way im feeling now...and the thoughts im having.someone has probaly been here and done this..you know...but I digress....because now I know im brain wrestling.loland honestly I won't remeber none of this in the morning.to be continued..peace homie.

Guilty Pleasure/An Overdose of Imitation

It seems we love the things that are bad for us,Mind over matter, it doesn't matter to usBecause we mind the words and leave behind what matters,Too busy chopping up words served to us on a platter,But it doesn't matter how you dice 'em,Serve 'em up cold and then switch the heat on,They're just hors d'oeuvres to prep you for the real ones,Covered up in facades to leave you pleased and,Anticipating the main course to satisfy your appetiteSalivating for a fix that leaves you tasting for a bite,Of that substance that doesn't suffice,For the craving of real that feels right,Because right now the preservatives your serving just ain't fresh enough,Watered down, coated upI'm past my limit of that fake stuffPrepping your words for some quick returnPleasing tongues for the time being while you get yours,But the taste has faded too soon,And the words have left a bitter bud to bloomToo aware of any pint of substitution,So your attempts are too soon caught before you can excuse 'em,Now when you're ready to bring the pure ingredientsDon't forget to leave out your old habits,Because those cold left overs aren't enough fulfillment,For someone who notices the differenceFrom the real and store bought presentation of temptation,That leaves no lasting impression,Instead impress me with a lack of showing off,Serve it how it's made and then it wouldn't be so hard to trust,That the words that you're giving are really raw and uncut.(the moral of the poem: people talk a whole lot of shit that is meaningless! lol and we fall so easily into their trap because it sounds so good, so watch out for the fakes, they will front like they offering you somethin' you never tasted when in the end it's just as bitter as the rest)