ABOVE ALL THINGSSSSSSSS((realizations))

in a sense of significance........







just smalll............













there is something about wanted something so bad and then finally having it that not as fulfilling as the want itself....












like pining for something over a longggggggg period of time surpasses the pleasure of actually having it....Vague as always but there is no need for a back ground just thinking.....







now i have no idea why this translates into guilt but the feeling is identical...







when you want something bad enough...and for a long enough period of time.....and you dont get it....


its like the desire drives you ....

pushes past barriers and that is what obession is...

a deep desire to reach an ultimate goal...

so you would think that.... when one ultimately reaches said goal that he/she would be satisfied right????




well sadly enough that is never the case...when you have a fascination with something for a prolonged period of time ,,,,
you put it on sort of a pedestal..
to the point where nothing or anyone will ever be able to match the value of your obsession.
((in other words you imagine it to be perfect.lol))

so there may be two reasons for not being satisfied......


1.) When you finally get what you think you wanted and its not perfet you are disappointed.

AND/OR

2.) Lacking that sort of energized lust puts an emptiness somewhere inside you you that makes you feel idle.. and eventually nothing will satisfy you.





Whichever the reason i am starting to think that it is best ot to expect anything at all....
from anything or anyone.....


Ofcourse there is going to be curiousity.....
that comes when dealing with anything that you are unfamiliar with....




But in regard to something that you are yearning for it is best to just apprehend or pressume nothing....



Because in the end you are just anticipating a deep plunge into guilt.
so its just better if you dont.






To obsess over anything is wrong.





its ok to have things that you like but to consume your mind/time/space with thoughts or objects that are made of obsession is kind of sick....and always leaves you unsatisfied......





Its normal for people to have hobbies.....
things that they go out of their way to do..because they like it..
when you go out of your way for someone its beause you have a truly selfless love for them...and thats ok too...



Until it comes to a point where every single thing you do, every feeling that you have is at the beck and call of someone elses emotions or mood.


Parsimoniously doing for yourself is normal...although its really hard for me.
because its something literally never do.





I have no drive .....
my only ambition is happiness....





and having happiness as a longtime goal is different from happiness that you get from material things....



the problem is that noone knows what is going to truly make them happy if they dont know what happiness is...








<3