When I was a little girl I didn't understand why my mom treated me the way she did.....Why she yelled....broke my spirit...was never proud....
but after all these years I am begining to realize why.
Obviously she is hurt.....an broken person...and I don't say this in a mean sense. But now I realize that she is hurting .I want so badly to know her pain but I guess its hard for her to talk to me....
I'm not the perfect daughter....hell the only thing I am is a perfect example of an imperfect being. but that's okay. However sometimes I wish I could be perfect for her.....Everything that she wanted...
But I have learned that I am everything she never wanted...
now I know that seems harsh...and no im not loathing myself.....just stating facts....
* A Lil' Background*
Me and my mother have never gotten along.PERIOD
And this past year when I was seventeen she put me out and I started living on ma own.... it was extremely scary for me .....and the fact that she gave up on me litterally broke my heart...I had always had faith in our relationship that it would get better .. But reality set in fast when she cut me off completely.... this was all during my junior year in high school and I was depressed all the time! my teachers didn't know what was going on but they knew something was off....because I never smiled or laughed like I used to...I just had this permanent vacant look on my face....As you can imagine my grades began to suffer.....so I made the hardest decision I have ever had to make.....
I DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL.
crazy I know... but I couldn't let my grades suffer so I just one day took the GED and passed(better than passed don't mean to brag but I got a damn near perfect score) after that I moved to New Orleans and started my new lifee.... And never looked back.*
* End of Background*
(Damn that was long.lol)
Never looked back until today that is..... I found out that I am adopted...Not in the traditional sense...
When my mom was pregnant with me she didn't tell anyone....She just packed her shitt and moved to California.
Worked and Hid her pregnacy.
Planned to give her child( yours truly) up for adoption and never tell anyone of it because (I believe) she was embarrassed about it.(ma family is extremely old fashioned) However what she didn't know whas that ma aunt and uncle in Cali were looking to adopt a little girl. So they adopted me....but when they found out that I already had the same last name they began to investigate it..... to make a long story short..They found out it was my mom and then once my mother knew that our family found out she decided that she "might as well " take her daughter back.
Im not mad about the situation...Or sad.
I just wish I had known that growing up....I mean how would you feel if everytime you looked at your daughters face you saw all the mistakes and things you always wanted to forget in her eyes....
In fact I wish she would've told me....that and any other pain she may have suffered in her life.....
I don't hate her....
I want her to feel free. Free of judgement. Free of guilt. Because even though pain helps you understand.... I don't want her to feel anymore...she has been through enough...
And even though I may cry......my tears are never my own...they are always going to be hers.
love you momma.
peace homie
<33333333
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